Since this the first installment of 2016, Jack thought it would be great to help out those who were kind and/or hopeless enough to send in questions about how to better in the upcoming new year. (JJ: I know, I know, we’re two months in already, but I’m trying to be topical here, so just grin and bear it, okay?) As stated before, if you have questions you would like answered about gaming and tabletop etiquette, send them in to email@example.com with "Ask Jetpack Jack" in the subject line! (Note: emails may be edited for content, but as little as possible)
Dear Jetpack Jack,
My gaming group consists of a vegan, a person who is lactose intolerant, a person with nut allergies, a person who eats only kosher food, and a person who is always trying fad diets like "grapefruit and garbanzos" or "figs and flatulence". What kind of pizza should we order for game night?
Pepperoni and Mushrooms
Dear Pepperoni and Mushrooms,
When food becomes a part of the gaming experience, it can lead to disagreements about what to get. Your group is admittedly more diverse than most, but when you can’t come to agreement, the best option is the one my group usually takes – everyone can bring their own food/snacks to the table. That way, everyone gets what they want, and you aren’t stuck eating paleo-matzo-grapefruit pesto pizza. If everyone does insist on getting food as a group, there’s always hot wings and garlic bread…
I have terrible dice luck, especially with d20's. I have had multiple game sessions where I went the whole game without rolling a double digit result on the die. Can you recommend some suitable ways to punish my dice?
Dear Natural One,
It’s always a bad time when your rolls make you look like a complete goober. Aside from the old standbys or yelling, throwing things, and cursing, some people started using shaming tactics (google it if you are curious). Personally, if my dice are acting up, I would first check and see if the dice are balanced correctly.
Even with modern manufacturing techniques, dice sometimes are as crooked as politicians. To check, use a cup of water and place your die inside and give it a spin. If the die keeps coming up with the same number, it’s not balanced. If it’s rolling low, maybe your DM would like a new die? [Ed. Chippewa Valley Geek does not endorse giving loaded dice to your DM.]
Dear Mr. Jetpack Jack.
So you know how sometimes when I'm at Kwik Trip and there's two registers open but one line for them? Y'know the one guy who comes along and tries to line jump by standing right in front of the one register, like there's a line of 20 people all waiting for the left side but no one thought to go over to the right side? Is it ever morally or legally permissible to just set that asshat on fucking fire?
Late for game night
Dear Late for Game Night,
Unfortunately, it is not permissible to alight your fellow human beings, even if they really, REALLY deserve it. However, I do have some tips to help you be at the gaming table in time. First, try leaving a little bit earlier, if you can. Extra time on the front end will make you more able to exude zen-like patience as the fetid, self-important little carbuncle shows no regard for anyone else. Or, you could do what I always do, and picture their face the next time you crack orc skulls (it works great for bosses, too).
Dear Jetpack Jack,
There is a squirrel in my garden, and I swear to Nyarlathotep he is always watching me whenever I leave home. Even when I'm in the house, I can feel his beady little rodent eyes peering at me through the window. I'm often losing hours of sleep worrying about this and I no longer have any appetite. So my question is, what's the best way to defeat a Tarrasque?
And will it work on squirrels?
First off, that’s one heck of a name you got there. Second, do you want to kill the Tarrasque? Come on,I’ll show you how to play. You can try to cheat, and use a Wish, or you can try my wayyyy… okay, that’s the last time I watch Frozen with my kids.
The standard answer for this is to use Wish once you grind down its hit points, but it depends on the system. Dungeons and Dragons v3.5 will allow ability damage, so take down either its Wisdom or Constitution (Allips and Bebeliths are monsters that are great for summoning to fight this beast). Pathfinder, however, got rid of those oversights, so the only way I can possibly come up with to kill the Tarrasque for good is to get a Great Old One to do it for you. That’s right, I said Cthulhu! Cthulhu, I say! IA! IA! CTHULHU FHTAGN!!!!!.....sorry, what was I saying?